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dis or dat
05/09/2012 = 09:34 PM

In an effort to give my mind something to do other than dwell on the fact that the nice pain doctor put a lot of very sharp things into my spine and I was pain-free for all of two and a half days, I am dememeifying a meme that the Mom did a while back.

I gave serious thought to converting from my original religion, Judaism. I felt unhappy with the way it seemed so exclusive and elite, that Judaism always approached me with the premise that I was welcome to take part in its teachings as long as I paid my dues and didn't associate with the unwashed, as it were. Unfortunately, in researching other religions, I found that many of the major ones were the same way ... and ultimately, I realized that what was most important to me was being allowed to have faith and ideals, but without being forced into a box. To that end, I wound up creating my own religion, Golfwidowism, in which the god in whom I believe knows how flawed I am but loves me anyway.

I would never dump anyone for someone else based on outward appearance. The most handsome of my past boyfriends were also the least caring of me.

I did, for several years, disown a relative in order to relieve myself of the anguish that person continually caused to me. I have since forgiven this relative, but only in the sense that I don't intend to have the burden of hatred on my conscience any longer. I am not so foolish as to let this person go back to old habits with regard to treatment of me.

I am loyal to the end, and if I were ever cheated upon (and yes, in the past, I have been, by some of the previously-mentioned handsome boyfriends), I would not cheat on them in retaliation. Aside from the fact that I would not want to stoop to their level, I am not the sort of person who can turn emotion on and off like a light switch. Once I love you, I can get angry quickly, I can even begin to hate — but I'll love you at the same time, and stay faithful out of respect for my feelings, if not out of respect for yours.

Everyone always seems to be telling me what a good teacher I would be, but I would never try it. I don't think I have the patience for it, first of all; and second of all, I think teaching is one of the most thankless, underpaid, and under-appreciated professions. Is my self-esteem not already sufficiently low enough?

I have never picked up a stranger who was hitchhiking, but more than once I have spotted friends on the side of the road, thumb out, and rescued them from having to walk.

I'm not good at fasting. I spent years, when I was a teenager, skipping meals under the misguided impression that I was too fat. My metabolism is paying the price for this now. Having been yelled at by just about every doctor I see now, I not only do not fast, I eat even when I don't feel hungry, to make sure I stay on schedule. Oddly, this seems to be helping me to lose all the pounds that piled up when I was at my most ill.

The worst addiction I have ever had was smoking. I didn't think I could ever quit, and I still, occasionally, crave cigarettes, but I have not had one in nearly ten years, and I am damned proud of that fact.

I used to work with a woman who dyed her hair purple. We called her Barney, after the annoying dinosaur, behind her back. I always thought I would never allow people the opportunity to say things like that about me, but the older I get, the less I care what gets said about me. I am still not crazy about the color purple for hair, but if I someday change my mind about that, I'll go for it.

I don't think I could ever be part of a couple with another woman. I'm not against homosexuality, but aside from never having had serious urges in that direction, I just think that women can be horrible bitches and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is more creative than a man in terms of revenge.

If I were filthy rich and could afford to throw away $100 for the most delicious hamburger in the world, I would probably do it ... but I wouldn't eat it myself. I'd buy it for someone else. Maybe someone less fortunate; maybe just someone I care about. I've seen the $1000 sundae, and I always thought that, if I got rich enough, I'd buy it for the Mom, just for the pleasure of watching her enjoy it. That said, I'd be more likely to give the money to a food bank than to waste it on a single dish.

I am a Golfwidowist, and my religion has no nuns, for the simple reason that it only has one member and I'm it. That having been said, I would never become a nun, even if I were Catholic. I'm not good at giving up worldly pleasures, I suck at following rules, and I suffer from one of what they consider deadly sins: I'm too proud.

In answering the question of whether I would rather chew gum off the ground or kill a squirrel, I don't think it's a contest. I'm in poor enough health without introducing whatever cooties are attached to gum that's been in someone else's mouth, let alone that it's also been in contact with ground that has been walked on by humans with dirty shoes, or bugs, of which I am irrationally terrified. The only squirrel I would not kill is Hammy, and he's not real. (Click here to see a video of Hammy. It's cute.)

I prefer Monopoly over Operation, but I prefer Chutzpah (the Jewish, humor-filled version of Monopoly) to either one.

I would far rather eat chocolates than fruit-flavored candies, but I am allergic to chocolate; therefore, many times I am forced to settle for Skittles when what I really want are M&Ms.

I would rather go deaf than have only one CD to listen to for the rest of my life. Repetition drives me bazonkers.

I'd also rather be deaf than blind. I have enough trouble getting around without also not being able to see what I'm about to trip over.

I would not want either a turtle or a frog as a pet. Neither does well in captivity. If I had to pick one, I'd get a frog. I know I can take care of one because I shared a bathroom with Frogma, a tiny frog in an aquarium on the bathroom counter at Andy Martello's house. He never accidentally got loose, and I never overfed him (or forgot to feed him), so it could work in the future with another frog. However, I doubt I could come up with another name as good as Frogma.

Getting back to the issue of unusual hair colors, I prefer either green or blue to purple, but if I had to pick one, I'd go with blue. I think it would make what's left of my hair look more lustrous.

When I was a kid, I always wished I could move schools so I wouldn't have to be embarrassed by stupid stuff I'd done in the past anymore. I also wished, sometimes, that I could be home-schooled, because the Mom was a very patient teacher and much smarter than most of the teachers in the school. Now that I don't have to sit in a classroom anymore unless by choice, I prefer the option to go online and learn at my own pace, in my pajamas if need be.

The only means of communication I dislike more than talking on the phone is texting. My poor arthritic thumbs are not cut out for typing fast messages, and my poor fastidious brain is not cut out for abbreviations and misspellings.

While I'm not a fan of Lady Gaga, I find her a bit fascinating, and I understand she's intelligent, which means it would not necessarily be a hardship to spend a day with her. Given a choice, however, I'd prefer to spend the day with Miley Cyrus, because I honestly find her to be a wonderful natural comedian (though that doesn't appear to be her preferred calling) and I think she'd be more fun to talk to.

I have never had formal lessons on piano or guitar, but I did play piano a bit before my hands started being all recalcitrant. I have trouble telling left from right, which made the guitar scarily confusing to me. If my hands suddenly gave up being arthritic and I had the wherewithal and time to take music lessons, I'd try to become more accomplished at the piano.

Having had both, and often at the same time, I tend to prefer a headache to a stomachache. I take something for a headache, even a migraine, and either it works completely or it at least becomes manageable. When I have a stomachache, it consumes everything and I cannot focus on anything else till it goes away by itself.

I think it's a stupid question to ask whether anyone would rather be overly interesting or overly dull. Does anyone actually prefer to be dull? On the other hand, I don't think I'd mind being boring as long as I was not bored.

I always wanted to be a sweet, quiet (even to the point of being too quiet) person, and it's not in my nature. I've found that, although I'm intimidated by strangers, I can be vivacious and talkative as a defense mechanism, and it's easier for me to embrace my noisiness than to be ashamed of it. Which is probably why I like to write so much.

Tags: meme

drinking: diet cherry 7-up
listening to: Better than Ezra, In the Blood
best thing about the southwest: you can have guacamole with your breakfast